i think my room spells like an airplane

i am just gonna pretend that the sudden urge to blog has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that i am supposed to be catching up on property. ironically, while missing property lecture. nicely done hannah.

YEAR TWO SEM ONE EVERYYBODY. not too good. despite my declaration that i was gonna push a lot harder this sem and work my ass off because i should be so very thankful that i scrapped thru year one in one piece.sad face to the max. it doesn’t help that i am just so disinterested in everything that we are studying this semester. property, company, CLT (which i am sure is very very interested, except or that fact that prof:  99% of the time i have no idea what you’re saying and the 1% that i do involves the words “okay we will now take a break..”)

whenever i think about the future my insides cringe and a part of me dies. i cannot see myself lawyering even if my life depended on it. sometimes i just wish like everything was easier and that i didn’t have to try so hard at living. i know i sound like a spoilt shit that doesn’t know whats good for her, and an ungrateful brat that doesn’t appreciate all that i have. but i want to say this, i do. i do appreciate everything that i have, yet that doesn’t change the fact that somedays i find it so hard to get out of bed and live. omg i sound like an emo crack shit

the other day i was just looking at my emails and i felt prompted to yknow, do something for God. I want to be so consumed in His work, completely deny myself and just bask in His love. but yet I can’t. there is something blocking me, stopping me from making such a commitment. and i don’t deny that this something is probably like myself.

i like to write because that seems to be the only way i can tell how i feel. when words are pouring out of me and when i can’t attempt to hide how i really feel from myself. its weird how i am so trained to hide my emotions that i hide them from even myself. its like my own thoughts are shielded from even myself.what the freak seriously, my brain and i need to have a serious talk about this.

i want to watch a musical, to windsurf, to rollerblade, to laugh for a long long time till my tummy aches, to feel like i felt that day. i want to dance and i want there to be no scars on my knee. i want you to be happy, i want my friends to be so so happy.